July 15, 2007

Bad Boozey Brownies

We sell a hellava lot of sweet wine at the winery where I work on the weekends (check out that alliteration, y'all!). A. Lot.

"Hi there, Folks. Would you like to sample some wine?"


"Ok, what kind of wine do you like?"

"We like it all." Har-dee-har-har.

Contemptuous chuckle. "Well, what kind would you like to try today?"


Right. "Well, according to state law, we can offer 3 ounces of free samples. So, let me know what kind of wine you prefer so that I know where to start you." (This is known in the biz as "evoking the 3 oz. rule.")

"Anything sweet."

Of course. "I'll start you with our Illini White then; it's our best seller."

"Is it sweet?"

"Yes, it's our sweetest white wine."

"What about this one? Is it sweet?" Points to the chardonnay on counter.

"That's a dry white."

"It's dry?"

"Yep. Dry." Like your leathery skin. Use some sunscreen. Seriously. And wear some pants that fit your fat ass.

"Got anything sweeter?"

I think I can find a bottle of maple syrup lying around, if you'd like to guzzle that this afternoon. "Do you like chocolate-covered cherries?"

As if I even need to ask.

So, we have this Danish cherry wine called Kijafa that we pull out in emergencies such as that. It tastes just like a bottle of melted chocolate cherry cordials... It's gross, actually (though I was able once to stomach a shot of it in coffee, and I bet it wouldn't be half-bad over vanilla ice cream). People love it. They buy the shit out of it; they drink the shit out of it....then they get sloppy drunk (it's 16% alcohol) and go refill their insulin prescription.

Recently, a sampler bottle came adorned with a little "Taste the Possibilities" recipe booklet: Imported Kijafa, which is made with orchard-sweet cherries and European-style chocolate, makes martinis magnificent. Adds verve to vodka drinks. Compliments cocktails. And dresses up desserts.

Now, THAT's some alliteration!

In a fit of period-induced baking anxiety (and because I've been wondering if they are any good), I made a pan of Kijafa brownies this morning:

Combine 2 cups AP flour, 1/2 tsp baking powder, & 1/2 tsp salt in a large bowl.

In a small saucepan, melt 4 oz. unsweetened chocolate with 2/3 cup butter over low heat. Cool slightly; stir in 1 1/2 cups sugar, 7 tbsp Kijafa chocolate cherry (from that half-empty sampler bottle you borrowed from the winery the night before), & 3 slightly beaten eggs.

Stir chocolate mixture into dry ingredients. Fold in 3/4 cups coarsely chopped walnuts (if you're a sadist instead of a brownie purist).

Pour into greased pan. Bake @ 350 for 25 minutes.

Perform culinary cunnilingus on the mixing bowl and spoon. She's special, so take your time. It's not all about you.

Cool brownies in pan. Mix 3 tbsp Kijafa with 1 1/4 cups powdered sugar. Gross out at the pale pinkish beige color; think about how it reminds you of puke. Add a drop or two of red food coloring and stir until the somersaults in your stomach subside (alliteration!).

Drizzle the brownies with the now shockingly psychedelic pink glaze. Cut into squares. Take to the winery to give away because they are really not all that good...too dense and cakey with no distinguishable chocolate-covered cherry flavor.

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I really need to get a digital camera. Like now.


Anonymous said...

Fat asses! Tanned hides!

"How are you guys doin' today?"

"Oh I'm parched. (And have chronic halitosis and a shit-eatin' grin that shows 4 of my 6 teeth.) Whatcha got?"

It's Piasa everyone!

I love it!

No shortage of exclamation point warranting writing here, missy.

Your post piqued my interest as much as the thought of you performing cunnilingus...'cause you're right. It is about her, man.

Allan said...

Now this is an absolute great story. Searched around for the - Apparently, very rare Cherry Chocolate flavored Kijafa.
We then came across your comment on the brownies, now that's nice :)
do you still work at that winery? however strange it sounds, it is not possible to find a bottle of the chocolate flavored Kijafa in Denmark - Do you, in even more rare than rare situations pull a bottle of Kijafa Chocolate from the shelf?
In that case, we will either come all the way from Denmark to taste your other sweet wines - Or ask you to ship that great taste back to Denmark?

Cheers, and thanks for the recipe,

- 4 guys from Denmark

KELLY said...

Dear Denmark Fellas,

Unfortunately, I don't work at that winery any longer. And, they can't get the chocolate-cherry stuff any more. I'm sure they still make that flavor.

Thanks for reading!

KELLY said...

Whoops...I meant to say I'm NOT sure they still make that flavor.